Mindfulness

Mindfulness has been coming up a lot lately. Within all of the breaking up of old thought patterns, fears, anxieties, stories there are moments of mindfulness. Thankfully! This shedding of old skin is no picnic, but I think it can be or that my acceptance in the process can be.

I'm in a store shopping with my sister. I start to sense a "strange" sensation in my body, immediately my mind races to understand it, define it. I've been experiencing a bit of anxiety lately, "Here it is again, I'm slipping!" Then the thought arises ~ just be with what is, apart from judgement of thought. Just observe what is in front of me, in the moment. I see a shelf, there is a blue and white box on it, next to it are other boxes, I am in a body walking around a store, I feel my feet in my shoes move on the ground....thought becomes simplified. I am in the moment, it feels timeless. I am aware of echoing thoughts categorizing, even judging, the items on the shelf - "oh that is used for this and I would never take that, it is a bunch of chemicals, bad for you". I acknowledge they are not my current thoughts but a previous identification. Somewhere there is relief that I have taken a step back from the uncomfortable chatter of judging something as negative. The negative chatter feels constricting. I feel liberated witnessing this, spaciousness...and strange at the same time. This feels like unknown territory. My worrisome mind is in wait ...waiting for the ball to drop. "Something must be wrong" echoes.

This has been happening to me more frequently lately. Intense bouts of strange, fear of loss of self counterbalanced by clarity and calm presence with what is, joy and excitement...all whilst I have been consciously cleaning out the cobwebs of my unconscious patterning. Can that be done consciously with the unconscious? Its like sensing something behind you and saying "ya, I want to move that out, I know its in there somewhere" but you never actually see it or are able to direct it in a clear way, you have to trust it will move with your focused intention. Maybe my blind spot is up for review ;) At any rate, letting that old stuff go. It is so overdue! Bring on the self-love and self-forgiveness. There is still some resistance to feel into. I'm thinking a structured routine of mindfulness meditation will help nurture this process.

I am happy to say that I have some allies to reflect back that I am OK. I also have some wonderful teachers I've been listening to...Pema Chodren, Thich Nhat Hahn, Kirstin Kirk, Adyashanti, Mary O'Malley. Thank you to them and the venues of YouTube and Batgap! My belief system is being expanded. Growing...oh, and thank you Jason Mraz for sharing your own transmutation of emotions in your songs - you've been my soundtrack!

In mindfulness.